he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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