I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
