Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
