There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize