thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
