in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
