I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
What a dumb baby whore.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
