I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
