OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
