I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
