I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
