It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
