the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
