There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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