Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize