So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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