We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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