Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
