i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
