Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
