everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
