You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
