They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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