All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Did I show you my penis last night?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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