Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
