So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
