I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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