I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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