Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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