dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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