How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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