Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just had sex on a roof
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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