hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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