Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
