Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
