meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
