You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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