U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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