ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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