i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
