He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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