nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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