I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
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