I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
