My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize