Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
