Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
