Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
