I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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