i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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