put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
