He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
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