so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
