Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize