What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
