I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
