don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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