I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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